So it's been a long time since I've blogged but I need somewhere I can vent my feelings and not have to worry about my classmates or anyone I know seeing it.
As you can probably tell from my last post, there's been problems with Kirstie and I - there still is to be honest with you. We've adressed the problems three times now? And I'm really wearing thin. Two times were said face to face as I valued our friendship too much not to do this properly but the third time, which happened 4 days ago, we did in text. I was kind of hesitant having an argument via text but it really made us open up more and it was easier to say the things that we wanted to eachother whereas in person, I think we just forget what to say and then quickly make up. Saying that though, I don't think anything's been solved. I accept that there were some things that I've probably been out of order about and it kind of hurts to know that because of it I've made her go off with someone else. It's not my fault she didn't come up to me and address it earlier so I could fix myself up. I distinctly remember asking her if it annoyed her that I always made fun of her about her love for 'emo' guys and she said 'no'.
I regrettably acknowledge this and I wish I hadn't done it but saying that won't solve anything. It pains me and confuses me and frustrates me so much that she doesn't know what is the problem with this friendship here. She goes round saying "I'd like it if you try" (to make this work) and I hesitantly agreed to 'making it work' BUT SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO GRASP THE CONCEPT. How will anything work if she doesnt even spend time with me anymore? If she hardly talks and only says 'Hi' then walks off with Aimee. I seem to remember being the one to instigate a conversation, two or three times so far since her request. I know she'll say that I seem to be pissed off everytime she tries to talk to me, but will things work if she walks off to Aimee?! I DONT UNDERSTAND. I just... Does she want me to go up to her? How can I when Aimee is always there?
"You're my best friend" Bullshit. I hardly doubt that at this moment in time. Given the choice I don't even think she'll choose me. I was so happy when she said this to me when we talked things out the second time but it's really painful to think that she doesn't mean it. If she meant it then why is she just....
You know what, I'll go up to her and try to have a normal conversation with her tomorrow if thats what she wants but anything wrong and ... I'll really tell her I don't want to do this anymore, I get angry just thinking about it, she's making me freaking bipolar. I'm sad one time, frustrated and downright angry at other times and just lost the rest.
I'll just tell her straight up, I'm not doing this, sorry and just walk off. She can work it out for herself.
This rant did not even satisfy me. ASDFGHJKL