I know i've not posted in a long time but I really want to just vent. This post will just be a text moaning about why my life is not so great right now.
I really do not know what to do. First, my friendship with Kirstie is hanging on a really thin thread. I don't want it to break. I don't know what happened, we just suddenly 'drifted' apart, like they do in movies. We started talking less and less and it's so sad and annoying that we just walk past eachother without even glancing at eachother. I don't like it. It's the same feeling that I got with Ira. Ira and I were best friends, we've known eachother pretty much since we've arrived in England and it was Last year 2011, on new years day that, that seemed to be the last time i've hung out with her as a true friend and then after New Years we've slowly drifted apart. I can't help but to notice that that same pattern is occurring with Kirstie. The last time I really think we hung out as true friends was New Years of this year, when I spent New Years round hers and we spent the day after for a long walk in 'Fambridge'.
I've been thinking so much lately; i've been trying to figure out when it all started. I have theory in mind and I think that it was when Aimee started hanging round... but I don't remember how that started. All I remember is that Aimee came and I've been trying to push away because I don't really like her. It's not like a hatred but I seriously cannot stand large quantities of her; it would be okay if we just made smalltalk but hanging out with her really gets on my nerves. And then I think Kirstie just stayed with her and I just did my own thing. Argh! thinking about it really gets me annoyed. She can't blame me for not trying to talk to her because I have tried, no matter how awkward it is, I've tried speaking to her in Art, asking her about how her exams went and all she does is give me short, vague answers. Hell, I even tried to talk to her about how amazing Panic! was and all I get is small words of agreement. Don't think I havn't noticed how she reacted when Aimee said something.
The other day, I was walking behind her from school and Harriet saw us and asked Kirstie if she was going to wait for me, so we had to walk part of the way home together. Even THEN I said 'Hi' when we were so not talking anymore then. Seriously, recounting all of this just made me realise that I really don't think she wants to be friends with me anymore, she did tell me before that she used to be very close with Aimee, and I think she's gone back to being best friends with her. I mean she shared our restaurant for god's sake! Kirstie and I always had a lot of 'thing's, like our 'look', our 'stories' and stuff we just share generally that were exclusively ours, and I thought that the restaurant 'Giraffe' would be ours. I don't even know what to think anymore. I've been seriously thinking that I should send her a letter during the holidays explaining how I feel about the situation and trying to see if we could talk it over and see if we can go back to being friends again, because we did promise (in one of our many 'talks' in her kitchen) that if we ever got into a fight, we would try to listen to eachother and work it out, but I'm seriously doubting it because I don't think she'd want to be my friend anyway. The way she's acting kind of backs that.
EURGH! I hate this!!! I absolutely loathe it! If I knew this was going to happen, I wouldn't have gone ahead and planned any future events and presents and holidays and even the future life! It all means nothing now, if we won't even go back to being friends.
I wouldn't have acted so close to her because now I have albums, and presents and clothes and even clothes that i've kept 'safe' for her. I have letters and postcards and memories together. I have a massive long conversation of us on facebook during the holidays. I have souvenirs she bought for me and perfumes and lots of stuff!
For fucks sake. I've always said that a 'friendship' was like a 'relationship' minus the romance. Relationships needs good communication and and understanding of eachother (and trust) for it work and Friendship is kind of like that.